Follow Patrice’s holistic journey to healing from various types of trauma, a stage 4 cancer diagnosis, and more recently, a compression fracture of the L2 vertebrae.
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It’s taken me a bit of time to get to writing this post so I’ll get right to it and will be back at some point with more.
On December 6, 2021, I was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer that has spread to my bones and blood.
I suspect a culmination of factors have contributed to this, including extreme circumstances over the last few months in particular with back-to-back deaths, massive loss from a flood, me cleaning obvious mold and pollutants, and more.
My approach to healing has some on edge, but I trust Holy Spirit to care for them as I must do what I do regarding this diagnosis for myself as I am the one who must live (or die) with the impact of various forms of treatment for this. At first, I thought of my children and how I must fight for them, but no. I must fight for myself. I can’t take on another person or thing. I have to tend to myself, for myself right now.
I am taking what feels like forever to decide on how to share this journey. Of course I have this blog, but I also have a youtube channel that I barely use to vlog. I don’t always want to be on video, but I think hearing my voice is great and brings something extra to others so I’m inclined to maybe consider a podcast too. I’ve done nothing beyond a trailer for that so far, lol.
When I decide on what I will do, I will be back. I want to share so much! The journey, all I’m learning and doing, so many things! In the meantime, I’m working my protocol and trusting God. I’ll be back. Sending you all love, Patrice.
I stopped doing birth work in big part, because I got tired of bearing witness to things that were wrong, dangerous, completely avoidable and traumatizing.
I began to say it was like going to watch an inevitable train wreck. Everyone could come out miraculously unscathed, dead, or something in between, and I witnessed every scenario.
I stopped doing the work I honestly loved, turned off the ringer on my phone and have left it on silent for years now.
I “lost” a “friend” who was accustomed to me being super available during my doula years. She didnt like that I was no longer so easy to reach all the time. I love and miss her but God has provided new friends.
Anyway, watching people today feels eerily like that of watching a train wreck in progress.
Only this time, while I still care and love, I am praying and fiercely guarding my peace. I’m not willing to just sit, worried, confused and hurt as I brace myself for impact of decisions I didn’t make. Decisions that weren’t up to me in the first place. We all have free will. I honor others’ right to exercise that and reap the consequences thereof.
The harder life gets, the more I press in. When I press in, I find peace, love, truth, gratitude, joy and more.
These past few years may have been designed to be destructive, but they have messed up and caused a massive amount of construction to take place.
Trying to move one out of the way, they have multiplied the same spirit and it’s all coming to a head.
Everyone does not fold in adversity. Everyone does not become paralyzed in fear and acquiesce.
As this beast of a girl, this giant bride that was once sleeping becomes fully awake, the now emboldened will run for cover like the little cretin’s they are, but where will they be able to run?
Anyone who has read the Bible has no doubt, come across the many ways we are told to not fear. We read that we are to “fear not. Why are you afraid? God has not given you the spirit of fear… Do not be afraid. Cast your cares. Worry is sin. Trust. Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified. Do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you where ever you go. Have I not commanded you?”
So many ways and times are we instructed against fear, and here we are, in a time where fear seems to be the new religion. It’s as if fear is the wolf, cloaked in sheep’s clothing. The clothing is currently being called “wisdom, care, love” among other names.
We have collectively come face to face with perhaps what is the most common fear of all- death. I am seeing death as more of a door these days. Of course, it’s sad and even traumatic for people left on the other side of that door, but the way I see it, I am either on this side with Jesus, or the other, with Jesus. It’s a win/WIN. I win here. There, I WIN! So there’s quite literally, no need to fear.
I remember telling my sister Sherri, before our sister Kerri passed away on my birthday in 2015, “The enemy is a fool. The enemy is threatening our sister with Heaven. Whooooo, you’re going to meet and live with your Lord forever more! You’re gonna see Him and Jesus face to face! You’re gonna see all the loved ones you have missed, children you didn’t get to carry and raise… Whoooooo”. How stupid is that? When I said it to Sherri, we even chuckled a bit at the sheer idiocy of it.
For Kerri, it was either that reality, or stay here on earth and be healed. Again… “Whooooo”. I mean, she was already here, struggling, but in faith for her healing. She inspired and encouraged many throughout her journey. She did well.
Of course, we miss her every day. She was the sister I was closest to at that time. I have now decided that I will be popping her on her butt when I see her for the sleep I missed when she died on my birthday. I was in shock and didn’t sleep at all. I didn’t believe she would die. She knows how I feel about my sleep. Anyway, my sister won and she won big. So did our oldest sister, our father and brother. They all won and are enjoying themselves as they pray for and join in watching us with the other cloud of witnesses.
This time of immense fear upon the earth has been a great teacher for me. At the beginning of covid, when I started to slip into the fear of the unknown, I heard Abba ask me what I was looking at. It was a stark reminder that once again, I’d taken my eyes completely off Him, to behold and dwell upon the plans of the enemy. “What you focus on is what will expand in your life” is a phrase I won’t soon forget that my former pastor, Dr. Mike Freeman says.
Listen… I seriously thank God that He speaks. I can’t even express how grateful I am to actually hear Him. To have Him interject a moment of despair. To have Him break right through, interrupting thoughts that are not of or from Him, in order to steer me back on the path He has set before me… HALLELUJAH!!!! There are no words…
Another thing that keeps coming to me is how many speak of losing consciousness before impact of some tremendous physical pain or trauma, especially prior to death or near death. Consider for a moment how people get into accidents of all kinds, saying all they recall are the moments before the thing occurred and then waking up in the hospital.
Even with my husband’s experience in May of 2019, he remembered that I took him to the hospital but was shocked to learn that upon waking up, he’d been unconscious for the better part of a week. He thought it was the same day and remembered nothing.
This all makes me think of how Jesus said he conquered death. Death is said to have no sting. Why then, do we not believe it when He said it and all the signs of just that are present?
God is bigger than it all and has conquered all for us. There’s nothing left out of all. We either believe Him or we don’t. The wonderful thing is, when we feel ourselves slipping in fear, He can help us come out of it. We aren’t stuck there. We are even commanded not to stay there. God gives us the grace we need to accomplish what He wants each day, one day at a time. We needn’t fear. God is bigger than it all.
It’s been a long while since I have written a blog post. I received a heartwarming email from a wonderful woman who reads my posts. She was reaching out to me because I’ve not posted in a while.
Each month, I write for a ministry page on Facebook called This Royal Life. I will share what I posted there on September 4th as an update.
Posted on September 4, 2021.
Two days ago, a tornado swept through our town and left us with no vehicles, a basement that was flooded with over 4 feet of water and flooding in our family room and garage.
As most who learn of this are devastated on our behalf, we ourselves are grateful.
We are grateful that not only did we not incur any further damage/loss, we are all fine. We have had a lot of loss recently, having 4 deaths occur in a 3 week time span and now this, but, I can say with absolute, unequivacable assurance, that God is so very good.
Living the royal life means that God makes all things work together for the good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. He makes all things new and restores. He gives to us extravagantly and loves us in just the right way, reaching us at the core of our being.
I know my house is an absolute wreck at the moment. But just a few minutes ago, as I stared at my filthy, now empty family room, He gave me ideas on what it could soon look like. He helped me to see beyond what is, and dream. He gave me an inexplicable hope right as my basement began to have a waterfall down the stairway. The hope remained and grew stronger as we could no longer see even the first stair going down into the basement and the family room began to flood upwards of a foot of water.
He did this for not just me, but my entire household, right as it was happening. As the family room flooded, my son said, in a shaky voice, that all the water would leave the next day and the sun would shine. It did exactly that.
I see the destruction. I see the loss. I can’t begin to tell you all that has been destroyed. But, I know that God is up to something, and I can’t wait to experience it.
This is living royally. Trusting God beyond what we can see or understand, and resting, right in that space. My heart is full. I am in Love. Sending you love too.
A friend of mine started a Go Fund Me for my family. If you would like to contribute or share the link, you can do so with this.
We are also able to receive financial assistance through this cash app handle $PatriceLondon or Paypal
Prayers are greatly appreciated. ❤
My oldest (girl) is 23 today. As I type, she is on her way to her latest adventure out west. Yesterday, we surprised her with an ice cream cake a day early, and sang to her. I can’t help but smile as I think of her. I remember, before she got her current job, I saw and told her that she would be able to work remotely from where ever she chose. She has been living that out since 2020 and has some absolutely fantastic experiences in 3 different states “under her belt”. She is truly living and thriving.
A few weeks ago, I told her a heartwarming story…
“After you were born, we were tethered to each other still, as in the womb. This tether is invisible but very much present and strong.
As you grew and needed me less and less, the tether elongated bit by bit. This tether, from my heart to yours, will always remain, forever. It will never be severed. If/when you need or just want me, give that tether a little tug and I will be there.”
This morning, as her dad was about to take her to the airport, I said, “Don’t forget the tether.” Literally, the only issue I have had with her is that she can be forgetful. That’s it. No attitude, no behavioral issues, nothing.
This heifer said, “I don’t know what you mean.” She totally ruined it, lol!
She is the first of five I have earth side. Being a mother is and has always been one of my favorite things about life.
Emotions… Ugh. They can be hard and tricky at times. For as long as I can remember, I was groomed to shrug off the “negative” ones. They were seen as bad and unnecessary. They were also seemingly annoying and a huge bother to some, so I worked hard to stuff them and move on.
I have since changed dramatically. I now see emotions as tools, friends even, who come to visit, stay for a while and leave. They come to teach, hone, heal, bring pleasure and more. They aren’t necessarily good or bad, it just depends. I have learned to welcome them as friends and learn the lessons they come to teach me.
Now, I know there are people who are emotionally imbalanced. Some ruminate themselves into worse situations and inflate already horrible circumstances. Some create their own turmoil, completely unbeknownst to them.
I’m not talking about this type of person. I am thinking of one who has done inner work with God’s help, has a high level of (self) awareness and an understanding of who they are and how God created them. I’m talking about a relatively healthy individual, who is learning to process emotions in a healthy way and rid themselves of maladaptive patterns that helped them survive one point in their lives, but these patterns no longer serve them in any (good) way. I am referring to a person who is looking to change, grow and learn. I am talking about a person, much like myself. 🙂
I live in such a way that my mind is never too far from thinking about and/or talking to Holy Spirit. After a Zoom chat, I realized I began to experience grief. In lieu of being busy in order to ignore the uncomfortable feelings I was experiencing, I asked Holy Spirit how I should go about “welcoming Grief” as a friend this time around. Holy Spirit simply said, “Have a conversation with her.”
So, I did it. I got out my journal and wrote out the conversation as it unfolded. I hadn’t planned to share this with you but believe it is a good idea to do so. You know how it is, some things just feel private, sensitive and even silly.
So, with that, here’s my conversation with grief. I hope this blesses you,
With so much love, Patrice
A knock sounds at the door. I go to see who it is and come face to face with Grief. She’s back. Again.
Grief: Hello Patrice, can I come in and visit with you for a while?
Me- (Recognition, realization and acceptance dawning on my face all at once) Yes. Hello, Grief, please, come in. I suppose I’ll make us some tea.
Grief- Thank you for welcoming me in. I know I’m not your favorite guest.
Me- No, but I know you are sent when appropriate.
Grief- That’s right. You’ve come a long way. No, don’t try and mask that, “Then why are you here?” look. Let’s talk about it.
Me: You’re right. I am done with masks. So… I do understand you to be healthy for me. It’s just always painful when you arrive.
Grief: (Comes over to my seat, pulls out a set of chiseling tools and gets right to work.)
Me: Ow!! Why does this always have to hurt so much? Why now? Why can’t you just let me be happy?!
Grief: (Keeps chiseling) Happiness will return. Right now, you need me. I’m not here to hurt you. I am here to help you. See, you’d just as soon wear that filthy mask and slam the door in my face every time I come for a visit, and in doing so, you keep away not just me, but true happiness, freedom and love. Plus, you unintentionally invite others you’d enjoy far less than me, like disease and despair for instance.
Me: Ok, I get that. It’s just not fun when you come to visit.
Grief: I know Honey, but when you make room for me, I work very efficiently and leave you more beautifully healed than before. I won’t over stay my welcome and if you allow me to do what I came to do, I won’t call on Depression to join us. You know Depression doesn’t mind hanging about.
Me: Yes. I know… Grief?
Grief: Yes, Dear… (keeps chiseling different areas)
Me: Thank you. I know I don’t give you the easiest time of working with me, but I appreciate what you do for me. I know I need these visits.
Grief: It’s my pleasure to see you better off as I leave, than when I arrive, Dear. Almost done for this visit, ok?
Me: Ok
Grief: There. All done for now. (packs up and heads to the door)
We walk to the door together wordlessly, as words would simply add unnecessary clutter. At the door, I look up at her. She really is a dear friend to me . She stares back at me lovingly, unflinchingly, and slowly lowers her head until our foreheads touch. We both close our eyes as tears roll down my cheeks, and suddenly, she’s gone.
Me: See you later dear friend.
There are these people in the world… People who are hurting. Some are angry, and I don’t mean just a little mad. They are enraged on the inside, ready to erupt at a moments notice. Some are in despair. They don’t know what to do, where to turn, and surely, they don’t know how to heal. Some don’t even know they need to heal.
There are people, walking around seemingly fine. We see them every day. They smile at us and wish us well, but if you take just a second to really look, you’ll see that the smile doesn’t quite reach their eyes. Some people don’t bother with a mask of any sort. They are akin to the walking dead, blank, steady gaze and all.
There are people who walk around like burn victims with exposed wounds. Any little wind that blows by, any touch at all, not only stings furiously, but it seems to threaten their very existence. Some know and are well acquainted with their wounds, others have no idea about the gaping, oozing holes they carry all over their person.
One thing too many of these people seem to have in common is they carry a rope.
When one has pent up emotions of any sort, there is a need for release. For some, release comes easiest with the use of the rope they carry. They walk around, hauling it along, searching, waiting, hoping to get someone to take the other end of it so they can engage in a much needed release that comes from that old game, “Tug of War”.
One needn’t engage them directly. They only need to sense someone is against them in some way, it being true or not is of no consequence, they only need to feel it is so. Then, in their minds, it simply is so. They can, in good conscience, feeling fully justified, act.
The problem is, we are at one point or another, all playing this role. We all see things in part, and from a wide array of perspectives. We come from many different angles of thought and another thing we all seem to have in common is that we feel we are right. We leave no room for others with differing opinions to be right as well because- gasp, horror of horrors- that might very well make us, well, wrong. Some cannot stomach that.
So, perhaps, along your journey, you have reached a level of freedom that another has yet to obtain. It offends them and boom, they offer you the other end of the rope. (((rope is dropped at your feet))) Do you engage? Most of us do, at least initially.
See, many of us have a deep seated desire to be heard and understood. We don’t enjoy our words and ideas being twisted into something sinister when we know in our hearts that our intent is far from anything evil. We know where we are coming from and if we could just help them see… (((picks up the other end of the rope and pulls)))
The issue with this is that all too often, people are where they are, and your engaging in that tug of war with them will not only not change their view (or yours) but they don’t even want any change. They are simply here to be heard. They are here for the release that tug of war brings them. They don’t care about your viewpoint. They don’t want to know more or learn from you at all. Some are actually hellbent on misunderstanding you. For whatever reason, at this time in their lives, that is what they feel they need and frankly, it isn’t about you at all, you just happened to touch a tender wound they have open. This is where discernment is key. You don’t need to have every person understand you. It’s not for you to morph into Holy Spirit Jr, complete with cape and tights, to force them to see the light. Let them be where they are and pray for them. Don’t engage in fruitless battles that leave everyone just a little bit more damaged and settled further into only seeing from their limited perspective.
We all, at some point or another carry wounds. At times, we are the ones walking around with that heavy rope, offering it to anyone who’d take the other end and assist us in a much needed, albeit damaging exercise of release. We also play or have played the role of the one just wanting to blow off some steam with no intention of actually healing, but simply leaving behind collateral damage as we pick up our rope once again and tromp off to find someone else who is willing to engage in the exact same manner, smh.
My prayer is that with God’s help, we can begin to see. I pray that veils are lifted, blinders are removed, scales fall off eyes and we begin to see the real enemy clearly. Helpful hint- it’s not each other. We need to stop looking at issues from an “us versus them” perspective and when possible, shift to an “us versus the problem” standpoint. Just that alone could completely change how we “fight”. It could shift from fighting against one another, to fighting for one another. What could that look and be like?
My prayer is that we can stop and think, “If I am the one walking around with wounds, why don’t I seek healing for them instead of keeping and ignoring them and carrying this rope?” Perhaps instead of picking up the other end, we can refuse to engage in such destructive patterns of behavior, thereby refusing to be party to causing further damage to others and ourselves. We don’t have to engage in a tug of war.
My prayer is that we could each make a decision as many times as necessary, to just drop the rope.
I have been really going inward more, leaning in to the Lord’s arms and paying close attention to what is going on in the spirit. There’s so much activity. Sometimes it feels exciting, in a fun way, other times it just feels serious and grave.
A friend from high school posted something one day (on social media) that struck me and still does. He wrote something like, “Father please forgive me for the times I desired a seat at a table Jesus would have flipped over.” My goodness… If we’re honest, we have all been there at least once.
Part of what struck me about this was considering times where I have embodied this in my life. I thought I was justified and was totally fine with being seated at a table that Jesus might flip over as he did in the Temple where he said they used his Father’s house as a den of thieves.
Another thought hit me hard. I honestly believe many are about to find themselves happily seated at a table that God is going to flip over in a big way.
God gives wisdom freely to those who ask. There’s no need to meander about life with little to no direction or discernment. Again, these are freely given. All one has to do is ask.
I will be spending more time in prayer for us all. May none of us find ourselves happy to dine at a table that would make Jesus angry enough to flip it. Surely, that is not a table we should desire to sit and eat. I’d much rather sit at the table my Heavenly Father prepares for me. It’s far better.
Empowered To Live Supernaturally 